When you do someone a favor, do you expect them to reciprocate? Or do you give freely, without expecting something in return?
Some people expect to benefit every time they do something. It doesn’t matter whether they go out of their way for a friend, perform a chore at home, put in extra hours at the office, bend over backward for a customer, or console a neighbor in a time of need. And even though they might not express their expectation right away, you know it’s coming. That’s because they’re keeping a mental tally — and they have VERY good memories.
Not just that, some folks manipulate others by using The Law of Reciprocity. This powerful psychological principle states that if you give someone something, the recipient will feel compelled to return the favor. It doesn’t matter if you give someone a gift, a kind gesture, or a material possession. The result is the same — they’ll feel that they owe you! If you think this type of giving is disingenuous, it is.
When you give something with strings attached, your focus is on how you’ll benefit personally. On the other hand, when you give of yourself without expecting something in return, your entire focus is on pleasing the recipient.
You’re not really giving if you expect something in return.
Giving with Strings Attached Isn’t Really Giving
Selfish people have one eye on giving and the other eye on calculating the return. That’s unattractive. How would you view someone who…
- Thinks “What’s in it for me?” every time you ask her to do something?
- Wants a medal for doing extra work or for putting in extra time at the office?
- Asks for a favor the first time you meet him? (He calls that networking.)
- Keeps score every time she does something?
- Goes out of his way for you, but says “you owe me”? (And he means it.)
- Compares her level of effort to others, just so she’s not doing more?
- Says, “What will you give me?” when you request help?
- Does something really nice? (But never lets you forget it.)
- Gives you something? (But expects to be paid back in spades.)
- Performs an act of kindness? (But makes you feel guilty about it.)
A guilt trip isn’t a great gift.
Give with No Strings Attached
People who adopt a “What’s in it for me?” attitude are obsessed with benefitting every time they do something. This mindset has significant consequences.
First, this attitude is unproductive. Some folks get frustrated if they don’t benefit from their efforts. This can lead to anger and resentment — causing friction in the best of relationships.
Second, this attitude is ugly. If you think being selfish isn’t blatantly obvious to others, you’re kidding yourself. Think about folks you can trust or count on. Do selfish people come to mind?
Third, this attitude is depressing. When everything you do has strings attached, you never experience the uplifting feeling that comes from giving without those strings attached.
Give for the Right Reason
If you think people benefit from a selfish mindset, you’ve got it all wrong. Giving shouldn’t come with demands, conditions, a hidden agenda, or a scorecard.
When you give of yourself and expect something in return, it’s a transaction not a kind gesture. You have one eye on your actions and the other on what you’ll get in return. That not only takes you away from the moment, but you can’t do your best or be your best when you have a hidden agenda.
You might not always benefit from giving of yourself. But you can take great pride in knowing that you’re making a positive difference in the world. While takers may accumulate a lot of things in life, they’ll never experience the joy of being a giver. Here’s the secret: Give for the right reason — and that is, give for no reason at all.
Are You a Giver?
Please leave a comment and tell us what you think or share it with someone who can benefit from the information.
Additional Reading:
Being Generous Doesn’t Cost a Penny
Karma: Make Your Own Luck
Good Relationships Don’t Keep Score
Giving: The Most Important Lesson in Life
Networking Tips: Make Networking Work for You
The Gift of Giving
What Does It Take to Show a Little Kindness?
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Again I heartily agree with your actionable tips Frank Sonnenberg. And to optimize what we give it helps, in conversation, to ask follow-up questions (notice how rarely people do that) to demonstrate an interest in the other person and gain deeper knowledge about what and why they brought up that topic. Then it is easier to find sweet spots of mutual interest so you can cultivate a deeper relationship. Also be specific as it reduces the chance of being misunderstood and what you say has more credibility and memorability – helping you and others. These behaviors boost the chance of developing a mutuality mindset, in which I deeply believe. Healthy relationships are based, not on a quid pro quo yet an ebb and flow of mutual support over time. I look forward to continuing to learn from you Frank
You’re absolutely right, Kare
Some folks, blinded by greed, will stop at nothing to get what they want. Then they act surprised that their relationships break down.
The converse is when people actively seek overlapping areas of interest where everyone benefits. You call this a mutuality mindset. I wholeheartedly agree with that win-win philosophy. Thank you for being a thought leader in this important area.
Thanks for taking the time to write.
Best,
Frank
Give unconditionally not with a condition or several conditions, don’t remind someone of something you did for them its not good if you have to remind someone of a kind gesture in other words how kind was the gesture. Tick for tack is so childish!
You’re so right, Suood
As someone said, “A friend is someone who does things that count, but doesn’t stop to count them.”
Thanks for taking the time to write.
Best,
Frank
Frank,
I need your help please. Of course agreeing wholeheartedly with your information! My 32-year-old son is struggling with a relationship with me his mom right now because he says I am a conditional giver. As an adult, he experiences two financial benefits from us. 1- we helped him buy a car from us interest fee with a reasonable payment he set. I call this a “deal,” not a gift. Since he is our son, we do not look at the interest saved as a gift, more like a bump which is what parents do.
But we have granted other bump/gifts to all three kids (32, 33, 34) as young aspiring professionls. In the last five years, some of them had career changes, moved out of state, started over, were laid off, etc., so we offered to pay during these growing years car and health insurance, gym memberships (set fee for all 3), car registrations, pet insurance (they all insist on having dogs that on any given day they might now be able to afford), and any major medical and dental not covered. Two had vislighn dental work $5000 each), one had lasek ($4000). All part of us helping our kids. We consider these bump/gifts from parents who can affotd to share from our blessings. One thank you was sufficient when we offered and we never bring this up. But i do notice lately with my son’s gym that is has been consistently over budget and yet i havent said anything. I would hope he would maybe be more self-conscientious, knowing he was charging a guest pass or meal and bring it to my attention ahead of me getting the bill. But not so, so i let it slide. Then circling back to the car deal with him, same idea. He was going on 3 months late on his payment, which he has missed here and there before and i have to nudge him, and yet this time let it go into the third month before he called me and said sorry and made 2 payments. Fine but again, I reminded him if i was the lender, you cannot do that. You should always call. Simple parenting reminder for his life toolbox.
My question, since it was my son who sent me this article and is accusing me of always having strings attached and making him feel guilty, how do you give a gift/bump joyfully and not be accused of being conditional when all we really expect is common respect? Isn’t that simple rule what we teach our kids? I am proud to say that my son acts respectful and says thank you in other areas, yes very much so. But why now are we giver/takers when he struck the car deal like an adult getting a great deal and accepted our gift/bumps no questions asked?
Please help me. This all resulted in an incident where he broughts his friends to our Park City home, which is unconditionally open to our kids as our second home, and because I corrected him in front of his girlfriend that he should had left a thank you note or called his step dad, I am now a giver/taker who repeatedly makes him feel guilty for anything we do for him.
Hum. Help me please.
Yet, I had been noticing a gym bill that has extra expenses tacked on a regular basis. How does the child/parent relationship differ when a grown adult offspring negotiates a deal or accepts his parents handouts and we share our disappointment on one occassion that they could have shown more or quicker gratitude? When I used the gym expenses and car payments that I let slide as an example of not always stating our disappointment, that backfired as me causing more guilt. He says our money causes him guilt.
Hi Sue
This is tough stuff. My heart goes out to you and your family.
Unfortunately, without knowing you or your family, it would be reckless for me to offer advice.
I suggest that you set up a meeting with your financial advisor. I’m sure they’ve experienced similar situations with other clients. They help you address your immediate issue and help you develop a strategy to move forward.
Thanks for taking the time to write.
Best,
Frank
Hi Sue you’re in a very difficult situation and my heart goes out to you. Here are my thoughts and remember this is just my opinion and the position I’ve decided to take from my own personal experience. I consider myself a giver and someone who thinks of others and I often struggled with the same thoughts like you – am I giving with expectations of receiving a “thank you” etc., I think when you’re giving to someone (a child, friend etc.,) and the receiver starts to feel a sense of entitlement or exhibits signs of expectancy then the ongoing giving should STOP. Giving is wonderful, it makes us feel good helping others but when you begin to see negative behavior or character traits in my opinion this prevents the other person from becoming the best that they can be and the beauty of “giving and receiving” is lost. The atmosphere becomes cold and hostile like what you’ve described with your son. You and your husband have been great parents to your kids. As parents all we want in life is for our kids to grow up be independent, healthy adults who are polite, thoughtful and givers themselves. Good luck and set boundaries in your giving. Speaking from experience.
You are 100% accurate!
I know several people who give with stings attached. My ex boss, who is a malignant narcissist, would do this. I never wanted to accept anything from her because I knew she would guilt trip me in the future if I wouldn’t come in on my day off or do something else that was completely beyond what is expected of an employee.
My sister is also like this with everyone, including her kids. I think she is also a narcissist. She buys people things and then expects us all to be indebted to her. I hate feeling manipulated by it. I don’t even like accepting gifts from her because I know there will be strings attached.
If I can’t babysit for her or watch her dogs when she’s out of town, she gets upset and brings up how much she does for me. Because I don’t have kids, she just thinks I can drop everything and watch her kids or dogs for her. If her kids upset her she will tell them how much she’s sacrificed for them and has done for them. It’s unfortunate she can’t see this in herself because she has already alienated one of her kids who recently decided to live with his dad. She never thinks she’s the one with the problem. If I try to bring this up with her she will get mad at me and not speak to me for months. I don’t think she’s ever apologized to me (or anyone else) once in her life.
She hates accepting gifts from people because she says she doesn’t want to be indebted to them, even though most other people don’t think that way, but obviously she does.
It’s very frustrating to have someone like this in your life, especially a family member.
I hear you Sharon.
As I said in the post, “You’re not really giving, if you expect something in return.”
When you give something with strings attached, your focus is on how you’ll benefit personally. On the other hand, when you give of yourself without expecting something in return, your entire focus is on the recipient.
I get a lot of joy from giving of myself. I guess some people haven’t learned that life lesson, yet.
Thanks for taking the time to write.
Best,
Frank
Each day the following reminder pops up on my lock screen at 6:00 AM:
“Remember to give more than you get today. Do it with a joyful heart and look for no earthly reward or expression of thanks.”
Excellent suggestion, Rudi. Thanks for sharing 🙂
Best,
Frank
This issue is so relevant to my husband and I right now.
His dad and step mum are very much tally keepers.
Thankfully we have been very self sufficient through the years and have worked hard at not asking them for any favours.
Unfortunately in March we all got covid and had to self isolate, so needed their help to bring us emergency groceries and meds a couple of times.
My husband wasn’t comfortable and warned we would end up in debt. I’d replied that it was exceptional circumstances. Surely it was a human kindness?
Lo and behold, soon after that she expected me to water her plants while they were away, bearing in mind I work 10 hour shifts.
She wanted payment… and that was that.
Left a bad taste in my mouth and proved my husband right
How sad.
I hear what you’re saying, Roz. It’s sad.
Unfortunately, it’s hard to change folks who are set in their ways. The only thing we can control is the way that we treat others.
As someone said, “A friend is someone who does things that count, but doesn’t stop to count them.”
Thanks for taking the time to write.
Best,
Frank
Thank you for posting this article because it’s so relevant to my situation.
I stayed with my nephew and his family for 4 months recently and it became a stay in hell.
When I first moved in he extended to me a no- strings attached visit. But soon after moving in conditions and manipulation tactics were added. Cleaning the kitchen and bathroom and cooking meals 4 times a week.
He argued that I should want to do these things because I was staying at his house for free.
He cited an example of a family friend who had stayed at his home. She would cook and clean during her stays with them and she had no problem doing it because she was showing her appreciation. I should be doing the same.
At first I obliged but soon it started feeling similar to indentured servitude. A repayment for allowing me to stay there when this was never agreed to, much less ever discussed.
I tried to return what I thought was kindness but it started feeling like I was being used if you consider that money from my own pocket was being spent to buy cleaning products and food for meals.
In the end it turned into a situation of abuse, manipulation and coercion and I objected and it turned ugly. Suffice it to say I moved out.
My nephew could use to read this article but he wouldn’t, much less accept it as helpful and learn from it.
Thank you for your article.
Hi Raymond —
I’m sorry that you had this experience with your nephew.
I believe it’s important to establish expectations before an agreement is reached. The agreement doesn’t have to be formal; it’s a basic understanding of everyone’s expectation. Furthermore, once ground rules are established, and agreed upon, there’s a lot less chance for misunderstandings going forward.
Thanks for taking the time to write.
Best,
Frank